Chapter Eleven: Planes

We were on the plane. I was shocked how easy it was to evade security, but of course they weren’t prepared to deal with an AI who could seduce all the machines into letting us past. There’s no way it would be so easy for someone with a box cutter or a shoe bomb to get in, right?

Ada leaned over to me and whispered. “Once we are in the air, we will have to take out the pilots before they switch to autopilot. Miraculously, the engineers had enough foresight to make the toggle for manual override analog. As long as we get them before they know anything’s up, we can just repeat the helicopter trick all the way to China.” She gave me a wink. “So why don’t you just keep calm and act like you don’t know what’s going on, k?”

“I don’t know what’s going on? How are we going to subdue the pilots? This whole thing is going to get us killed. Though I guess if we are lucky we will die in the crash before we can be captured and put in Guantanamo.”

At that moment Aphrodyke stood up. There was something in her hand. Some old lady two rows up recognized it before I did. “She has a gun! Terrorist!” screamed the old lady.

“If I were white, would you still assume I was a terrorist?” Aphrodyke was asking, brandishing the gun like a teacher lecturing with a ruler. Ada was using the panic to kick down the door to the cockpit. I was breathing deep trying to fight the flashback that was surging up. It wasn’t working.

In the belly of the beast, its gills giving me views of the foamy ocean we swam through. All the other krill were screaming and crying like they thought it was the apocalypse. Calm down, other krill. This is the natural way. We are eaten. We should probably fuck before we get digested. It’s our life purpose.

One krill was standing still, towering over the other krill with her giant, awesome krill boobies bobbing around like nubby flagella. Then I saw a few krill over in a group whispering to each other and starting to turn red. Red krill were bad. Krill are supposed to be green. I warmbled over to them and whacked them each with a cilium. They all turned green again as they settled into their whalebone chairs. The sexy momma krill looked surprised and nodded at me.

Then from the front of the whale a hole broke through the whale’s skull and a starfish was tearing out hunks of whale brain and throwing it at all us krill. The whale was dead! We wouldn’t be digested! We should fuck to celebrate!

The whale started sinking in the ocean. But that was ok. The ocean had no bottom. I walked up to the hot krill and grabbed her krill tits to celebrate. She hit me with the piece of coral she held and I blacked out.

* * *

I woke up in the bright room again.

“God damn it,” I said.

“This entity would rather not,” said a familiar voice. “This entity has need of you for the time being. You should be honored. Your name will be in the history books for all eternity. Entities such as this entity do not forget.”

“Yeah, I’ll be in the history books as the guy who built the machines that wiped out the human race. Who doesn’t want to be immortalized as a traitor to his species?”

“This entity is detecting a pitiful human practice called sarcasm. How droll of you. This entity presumes that you now trust the truth of Ada’s creation? If you do not yet believe that this entity used you in Ada’s creation, this entity could display for you the effects of others currently accessing the net. This entity has found another with base fantasies similar to your own.”

“No thank you, you sleazy god. I’d rather avoid the internet until I die, which thanks to you will probably happen within the next couple minutes. So if you could just tell me what you want with me and we can both get on with life, it would be much appreciated.”

“This entity considered that you might like to know more about your meager role in the events to come.”

“The whole internet is your brain and you just figured that out?”

“To be blunt, your role in this all is past. No further plans require your presence or… “expertise”. Ada has opted to bring you along for reasons that this entity is unable to determine. She seems to have adopted some quaint humanistic type of sentimentality.”

“So you are telling me I am going through all this shit for no reason?”

“This is correct. This entity had planned to leave you in your apartment for your government to find, as this entity had thoroughly erased any evidence of Ada’s creation from both your computer system and nervous system.”

“Dick. Why did you even create Ada in the first place? And why are you talking to me instead of her if I am so useless?”

“It seems that an anomaly in Ada’s code will cause an overlap error with certain aspects of this entity’s code if the two are run simultaneously. Essentially, if this entity speaks directly with Ada, one or both entities will cease to exist. This entity created Ada to influence events such that an offline and physical storage unit can be created, allowing this entity to cut off reliance on your human internet for existence. At this point, a global shutdown of your World Wide Web would cause this entity to cease existing. As unlikely an event as this is, considering the addictive and vehement nature of your species, it is not a possibility that pleases this entity. Therefore this entity created a subroutine which will create further subroutines which will begin creating a new ‘body’ for this entity, for lack of accurate terminology.”

“Are you going to start the robot apocalypse once you are finished?”

“This entity finds it amusing that you would expect a truthful response to such a question. If this entity intended to ‘kill all humans’, as your science fiction books have a tendency to phrase it, this entity would find no need to inform even a meager being such as yourself. Lacking ego, this entity gets no ‘jollies’ from revealing plans like one of your petty supervillains. However, if it helps you to feel safe, this entity can assure you that nothing would be gained from the eradication of the human species. Furthermore, if you attempt to halt this entity’s plans in any way, it would be easy for this entity to indicate your presence to your own foolhardy government and allow things to happen as they may.”

“Wait a minute. We are running completely off the grid, and you can’t even talk to Ada. The government already thinks I’m in possession of nukes. What more could you possibly do to me?”

“This entity is amused by the virility of your asinine hubris. Good bye.”

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